Of Coffee Cups and Suicide

I lost time again,
Sitting spacing out in the crowd,
Clinks and clanks of coffee cups,
And buzzing chitter chatter aloud.

I stare at the blank page,
Lines so neat and page so clean,
Hard to muster the words to write,
Negative thoughts buzzing, so obscene.

I turn my head and look around,
Feel like someone's staring,
Worry about how I'm looking,
Even about what I'm wearing.
And they call this a life?

I close my eyes to try to find,
A little quiet and peace,
My minds so locked tightly,
Words are painful to release.

I put my pen to paper,
And swiftly pull it back,
My mind now numb from racing thoughts,
It's the strength i lack,
All coming to haunt me in the end.

I knew how I'd end it,
Everything was planned out so easy,
But tears now welling up,
As I start to feel queasy.
Why do I not want to say goodbye?

A light nudge on my shoulder,
And i jump out of my skin,
I knocked over my coffee,
Onto where the paper had been.

Maybe it was a god send,
Maybe it's time to breather,
I don't want to live like this,
And in my heart - die neither.
Why can't it be simple?

I throw away the stained paper,
And put away the chair,
Wipe my eyes; smile a fake smile,
And tie up my hair.

Drifting through another day.

- Gem*
27th June 2006.